I thought it would be a simple trip: go to Columbus, get an a plane and fly to Long Island, NY with a connection in Philadelphia.  The trip worked fairly well on the way out. However, that was before it rained in Pennsylvania on the way back.  As I approached the e-ticket kiosk to print my boarding pass, I was greeted by two US AIR employees that I will refer to as "Bitch1" and "Bitch2".

As I begin entering my name into the kiosk,

[BITCH1]  I think you are going to have trouble.
[FWM] What, is this thing broken or something?
[BITCH1] What is your name?
[FWM] FatWhiteMan (not really, but I complied with her request)

Roar of a Southwest Airlines jet taking off.

[BITCH1] Yep, you are going to have trouble. You need to see BITCH2.
[BITCH2] What is your name?
[FWM] Again, I comply with her request.

A note about the bitches.  BITCH1 has horned-rimmed glasses, bleach blond hair and older. She may have been hot once, like when Gerald Ford was president, but now with her glasses and heavy New York accent, she reminds me of No.1 on Monsters Inc.  BITCH2 was not really a bitch at all. She tried to be helpful but it was clear she was BITCH1's bitch so I refer to her as BITCH2.

[BITCH2] Yes, you have a problem. Your flight is late.
[FWM] Okay, it is 5:00pm now and it is scheduled for 6:30. How late is it?

Roar of a Southwest Airlines jet taking off.

[BITCH2] It will not leave before 9:00pm. but probably really 11 p.m.  You will not make your connection in Philly at 9:00 pm.  You have a problem.
[FWM] Sounds like it is your problem. Put me on another flight.
[BITCH2] We don't have any other flights leaving here.  You could go to Laguardia and get a direct to Columbus.
[FWM] Ok, where the hell is Laguardia?
[BITCH2] It is about 2 hours by car so you need to leave pretty soon. The flight is at 8:00 pm.

Roar of a Delta Airlines jet taking off.

[FWM] OK, how do I get there?
[BITCH1] You'll have to get there yourself.
[BITCH2] Can we put him in a cab?
[BITCH1] No, no cabs.
[FWM] You canceled the flight. You pay or the cab.

Roar of a Southwest Airlines jet taking off.

[BITCH1] We didn't cancel it it is just delayed.
[FWM] Delayed 5 1/2 hours?
[BITCH2] Probably, the weather is uncertain.
[FWM] And you can't fly in the rain?
[BITCH2] All I know is that your flight will be delayed several hours.
[FWM] Well then put me on another flight.

Roar of Delta Airlines jet taking off.

[BITCH2] But there are no other flights.
[FWM] Kind of noisy for no flights.
[BITCH2] Those are other airlines, sir.
[FWM] I realize that. Apparently they can fly in the rain, put me on one of them. Southwest has a flight to Philly at 7 and I will still make my connection to Columbus.
[BITCH2] Can we put him on Southwest?
[BITCH1] No, we cannot put anyone on any other airlines.
[FWM] Why not? You are the ones canceling...
[BITCH1] ...It's DELAYED! (pale skin a little redder now).
[FWM] Yeah, delayed, canceled, whatever, still I bought a ticket in good faith and now you are not going to find a way to get me home when there are other options.
[BITCH1] You are free to book on another airline or I will be happy to get you on a flight from Laguardia.
[FWM] But you will not pay for it.
[BITCH1] Sir, we do not have to pay when it is......

Roar of a Southwest Airlines jet taking off.

[BITCH1]...not our fault. We can't control the weather.
[FWM] The weather doesn't seem to be affecting any other airlines.
[BITCH1] Sir, its an act of God.
[FWM] Why do you suppose God hates your airline and lets all of these others fly?

Bitch1 is turning real red at this point. I thought it best to quit before I end up like this lady.

[FWM] So what are my options?
[BITCH2] Well, we could just leave you as standby for this flight but that probably isn't a good idea.
[FWM} And why is that?
[BITCH2] It may not go until 11 p.m. or later and then you would get to Philly and the next flight to Columbus from Philly would be.....8:30 a.m.  You really don't want to spend the night in the Philly airport waiting.
[FWM] So what do you suggest?
[BITCH2]  I'll put you on the 6:30 a.m. flight. You go to the Holiday Inn, get a room, get a drink, take a long bath then be back here at 5:30 am. Fly to Philly and pick up the 8:30 a.m.to Columbus and you're home.
[FWM] And you'll pick up the hotel?
[BITCH1] Act of God! Act of God!
[BITCH2] No, I'm afraid we can't do that...weather.
[FWM] In other words, you don't want to have to run this flight tonight so you are going to blame it on the weather?

BITCH2 is smiling, BITCH1 is frowning.

[FWM] Okay, book the flights for tomorrow.

After a night at the Long Island Airport Holiday Inn at $159 (no I didn't mis-type that) where I receive three emails from Orbitz telling me my original flights are on time, I return to the Airport for the customary poking and prodding by the TSA.  Flight to Philly was unremarkable as it was dark.  Then, after  45 minute delay where they "re-booted" the plane we finally left for Columbus. Yes, they actually told us they had some bad lights and needed to re-boot the aircraft. Guess  US AIR runs Windows 98.

I have the same trip again this week. I booked on SOUTHWEST.