About every four years I fly somewhere just to remind myself why I hate flying. It has nothing to do with a fear or phobia nor even airlines in general that are not Northwest Airlines. It is usually people. I hate waiting in line—always have. I'm very impatient. Not the other people's fault I guess but they are in my way.  I also hate the security bullshit. Oh, and I hate Northwest Airlines.

Flying from Dayton to Minneapolis I can hardly avoid Northwest and when I'm not the one booking the flight, it was a foregone conclusion that I would be flying Northwest again.  At least this time, I did not end up on one of their aging DC-9's.

Flying out was not that bad. The security at Dayton was not crowded and other than taking my shoes off, emptying my pockets, and having to take my laptop out of the bag, was not that bad either.  We had a direct flight from Dayton to Minneapolis.  Although me and another big guy were sandwiched in to two seats at the very back of a 50 passenger regional jet, it was a very fast and pleasant flight.  If one did not know better, they would think Northwest is great. 



The return trip was a little different, however.

I left the hotel at 7 a.m. local time. After the drive through commuter traffic to the airport, turned in the rental car and went through security it was 9:15 a.m.  A note about Minneapolis security:  The lines were much longer than Dayton and took far longer. I still had to do the crap with the shoes, laptop and pockets. This time the metal detector beeped and I had to walk through three times-never did figure that out. Also they wouldn't let me take my bottle of water through. They said I was free to guzzle it right there if I wished.  I offered to take a big drink to show it wasn't dangerous but did not want to drink the entire bottle.  They said my only option was to drink it all or toss it there and that I could buy a $4 bottle of water on the other side if I wished.

I had a 1/2 wait before boarding which isn't bad.  We were then seated on an A310. Of course I was in the middle seat which is not a position designed for fat people.  We were to take off at 10:07. We began rolling out on time but were informed by the captain that they were backed up because student air traffic controllers were messing things up. We sat in line to take off and left 20 minutes late. Again otherwise a pleasant flight where you might actually be deceived into thinking Northwest isn't bad.



We land in Detroit 20 minutes late. I originally had a 25 minute layover, now they are boarding my other plane while I am waiting to leave this one.  Once out of the aircraft, I learn that my next flight is leaving from another whole concourse.  So now there is a wheezing running fat man dragging a suitcase and laptop through an airport I had never been in before.  To get from one concourse to the other, I had to go through a tunnel that ran about 300 yards under the airport.  You started by descending on an escalator about three stories down into the bowels of hell. As you approached the bottom, you could see alternating colors of red, dark blue and purple.  At the bottom was this gigantic cavern that was silvery and they would reflect lights through it. Alternating dark colors while they played some weird music reminiscent of Mario World dungeons.  It was scary as hell and I can't imagine dragging my kids through there. You then had the option of a people mover that moved way too slow through that hellish place.  Once reaching the other side none too soon, I rushed up the escalator to find my gate.



Upon reaching my gate I found an empty area and no one around. The clock said 1:42 and the flight was to leave at 1:35.  They always hold for a late connection. I could not find any NWA employees around so I headed to another gate.  The very unfriendly women told me that the flight was delayed 2 hours to 3:30. Now the normal Northwest bullshit starts just when I want to get home.  Since there is nothing I could do, I headed to the very crowded Fuddrucker's hamburger stand and waited in another line full of people I don't like. I sat down and ate a $9 hamburger and waited.  By the time I had finished eating, the flight time had been delayed again until 3:50 p.m.  I sat down at my gate for the long wait. I thought at least I might as well get some work done, so I fired up my laptop and hit a very strong wifi.  I had no network access though and figured out that they don't have free wifi at Detroit, they want you to pay them $7.95 for the privilege of working. Screw that.  After I shut my laptop down, the gate sign had changed to 4:15.  Almost three hours late now—I could drive to Dayton from Detroit.  Of course, NWA wants no part of refunding you ticket for a rental car.  Finally at 4:35, I have the privilege of boarding a SAAB turboprop.  Don't get me wrong, I like prop planes and have since I was a boy. I think it would be a blast to learn to fly one. However, I don't like being a passenger on one after spending all day in airports.  They are loud, vibrate, and the seats are 16" wide and I'm not. The leather like vinyl seat cushions are stuffed with old phone books for padding. 



Finally, after a 40 minute flight about 18' off the ground, we land in Dayton.  Its 6 p.m. local time.  Adjusting for the 1 hour difference, I have been traveling by air and airport for 12 hours.  From my hotel in St. Paul to Dayton is only a 10 hour drive.  Now I have a 2 1/2 hour drive home from Dayton. Thank you Northwest for another wasted day. You suck ass.  At least you're consistent.